The bathroom incident…

“Relax…. Just relax….”  i was telling myself.

Here i was. Standing at a urinal in a busy restaurant bathroom… Unable to let go. Stage fright had set in.

“Dont panic… just dont think about it and it will come…” i kept saying in my head. The last thing i wanted to do was panic. That or turning to the guy next to me and saying “i cant pee…”

Its a funny thing… Mens urinals. There is certain etiquette that every guy follows when they enter into the little boys room. These are cardinal rules and breaking them is sacrilege.

Firstly, urinal selection is CRITICAL. You NEVER select a urinal next to someone unless you are absolutely forced to. Usually, you choose either end and even if there is only one guy at one end, you always end up choosing the furthest one away.

Secondly, you NEVER look down. Always look straight ahead. Looking down is a serious offence. Eye’s should always be front and centre.

Thirdly, Keep conversation to a minimum. The last thing you want to do is engage in lengthy conversation while sword fighting.

Last but not east, never do more than 2 shakes. More than 2 shakes is considered playing with yourself.

“breathe… Just breathe”  hoping that if i focused on that, it would take off the pressure of doing what i was there to do. Born to do.

But nothing was happening. Nothing.

I had literally pee’d a thousand times before – without incident.. I practised everyday so i considered myself a bloody expert at it. But today was different. It could’ve been the timing of the situation. It could’ve been the Californian beer that i had been drinking. Either way, i was in trouble! I was the only guy standing there with zero flow. It was urinal torture.

Suddenly, another guy swanned in and took the urinal next to me. He coughed but kept his eyes front and centre. Immediately my heart sank. He’s going to let loose any moment now and here i am still standing here… with not a drop in sight. Now, 2 options crossed my mind… Option 1: i could pretend to finish off, zip up my fly and walk to the basin to wash my hands or Option 2: i could just hope to god that a little trickle would trigger off the tsunami. I looked behind me and suddenly realised that there was a queue growing for the urinals. Trusting me to pick the busy bathroom. Option 1 was now out because people in the queue behind me had witnessed me standing there with no flow… so i had to tough it out. I had to show everyone that i could pee.

And then i noticed something….. the guy next to me was also not pee’ing. He too had stage fright. We both did an awkward cough. Eyes still staring straight ahead. We were in a stalemate and the pressure was on to deliver. I thought of every ‘flowing’ thing i could think of… waterfalls, tap dripping, tea being poured. I even used that little voice inside my head to offer words of encouragement as well as my minds eye to picture myself pee’ing….. and then suddenly i felt it… a tiny little trickle… It was the best feeling id felt in a long time. It felt like id run a marathon and i could see the finishing line in sight.  I think i may have even thanked the lord under breath… It was a glorious moment knowing a) i could pee and b) i had beaten my comrade next to me.

I zipped up my fly and walked to the basin, gleaming with joy. I even winked at the guy who passed me to take my space… knowing that he was about to embark on a journey that i had already just conquered.  As i was drying my hands, the guy that was standing next to me at the urinals had zipped up and walked out immediately.

“Poor fella” i thought. He’d obviously taken option number 1.